So I’m currently sat home alone on a Saturday night, dosed up to my eyeballs with a variety of painkillers because I have kidney stones. This type of thing happens way more than I’d like at 24 years of age. I’d like to start with a disclaimer, when I say ‘being ill a lot’ I by no means mean anything deadly serious, I think I am incredibly fortunate that most of the things that go wrong with my shitbox body aren’t desperately severe, and I know it could be significantly worse than it is. By this is my blog so I get to whine as much as I like. I’ve been “the ill one” for as long as I can remember; I won’t go into all the terribly boring details but I’ve had problems with my kidneys since I was 16, and my heart decided to join the ‘be shit’ party last year too. It isn’t something I ever like to talk about, I’m constantly worried people will think I’m either a hypochondriac, or feel sorry for me – neither of which I want to happen. However, I do think I have learnt a huge amount from my various in and outs to the doctors, hospitals and A&E’s over the years, and since I’m currently sulking at being stuck inside my flat in a silly amount of pain, I thought the best way to feel better would be to write it all down…
Lesson 1: It’s frustrating as hell
When my kidneys started being rubbish, it used to be frustrating because I’d miss chunks of school – and for a little geek like me that used to drive me mad. As I’ve got older though, the frustration has grown with me, because now it means I miss work which I absolutely hate doing, I’m out of action with training for a while so my fitness starts to suffer, and I have to cancel social plans and miss fun stuff. Last summer, before my cardio stuff was properly diagnosed and medicated I was running a 10K race with some pals – now 10K shouldn’t have really been an issue, I run quite a lot and it wasn’t a tricky course at all, but due to my heart deciding to go a little mental I got about 4.5K round and then swiftly threw up, fainted and fell over. It was mortifying, and I quickly tried to get back up and continue running but was escorted off the course by a paramedic on a bicycle (ironically the race was organised by the British Heart Foundation so I was thoroughly checked out at the end). I didn’t realise how much it had got to me until I was back at my friends house and rang my Mum to inform her of what had happened and ended up completely overwhelmed and in floods of tears. It is so incredibly frustrating not being able to do what you know you should be capable of, because you’re stupid body is deciding not to work properly today.
Lesson 2: It always all happens at once
My internal organs don’t like being stressed. Or worried, or sad, or over-excited or really any extreme type of emotions. If you know me, you’ll understand why this is a nightmare. And it means that everything seems to all happen at once – if I’m super stressed at work, you can almost guarantee my kidneys will chime in and get ill, which then makes me miss work and become even more stressed. Equally if I have a couple of weeks of lots of fun and socialising and good stuff, you can almost guarantee the exact same thing will happen. It’s incredibly annoying, especially when it follows stress because it makes it all seem a whole lot worse. It’s like having a moody toddler for a body, that demands attention whenever it doesn’t think it’s getting enough, and like a moody toddler it almost always gets its way.
Lesson 3: Being ill makes your emotions goes freaking crazy
I don’t know why this happens – probably something to do with balance in your system, but whenever I’m ill my entire personality can change. I become incredibly weepy and ridiculously over-sensitive, I’m quiet and can sometimes be grumpy which is wildly uncharacteristic. I’m a needy person anyway but when I’m ill it’s like it’s in overdrive and I want someone to stroke my hair and lie next to me for hours but also not to touch me at all. I was watching TV earlier today and I burst into tears at an advert. AN ADVERT. I’m known to wear my emotions on my sleeve but even for me that was a little extreme. I don’t know if it’s because you’re in pain physically so you cry far more easily, or if it’s just generally feeling sorry for yourself for not being tip top at that moment in time, but something about being unwell makes me a complete emotional wreck. Even as I’m typing this I have a lump forming in my throat for no real reason, pull yourself together you weepy weirdo
Lesson 4: I hate the thought of people worrying about me
This wasn’t something I ever really thought about until my kidneys started to get worse and I was getting ill more and more frequently, but I feel overwhelmingly guilty if I think people are worried about me. And I always end up in a catch 22 of not wanting to tell my important people that I’m ill, but also desperately needing them to know so they can tell me I’m going to be okay (like I said, neediness overdrive). I very rarely tell people about my shitty kidneys or under-par heart, because I can’t stand the thought of them worrying about me, or treating me differently. I have a select few that know all the dirty details, and even them I find it difficult to tell when I’m unwell again or heading back to A&E because I don’t want to worry them. It’s really stupid because I am forever grateful that I have people that care enough to worry about me, but for some reason the guilt is something that I’ve never become used to
Lesson 5: I’m absolutely terrified people think I’m being dramatic
I’m known for over-exaggerating everything, all the time, and I’m constantly scared people think I’m doing the same with this. It’s probably another reason why I don’t talk about it much, and I try my absolute hardest to play down how bad I’m feeling or what my heads going through with all of it, because in my head I imagine everyone just being like “Jeez Sam’s just being a drama queen again”. And the thing is I know I’m fortunate that it’s just my kidneys and heart, and it’s not going to kill me, and I’m not ill all the time – in fact most of the time I’m 100% fine and I work and train and race and do all regular things, but I tend to get ill quite suddenly and can quickly go from fine to feeling awful, so I’m always afraid people just think it’s a standard Sam exaggeration and find me very annoying
Lesson 6: I’m a horse with drugs
Having kidneys that have been playing up for eight years now, I’ve had my fair share of painkillers. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a kidney infection, but it feels like someone has sucker punched you in the back and turned your blood into poison that you can feel coursing round your body. It’s pretty shit, and it hurts. So over the years I’ve developed a (impressive if you ask me) tolerance for painkillers, which is always funny in hospital because I’m not a particularly big person, so whenever I’m given strong meds Doctors always warn me repeatedly that I might be drowsy or nauseas, and I have come to thoroughly enjoy proving them wrong and remaining totally alert and vomit-free. Right now for example, I am dosed up with both tramadol and diclofenac, and apart from my computer screening going slightly fuzzy every now and then, I’m aces. Well done body, something you’re actually good at
Lesson 7: It’s okay to be scared and lean on other people a bit
When I was younger and I’d get ill it never really used to scare me, it was just inconvenient and something to quickly move on from. But as I’ve grown older and discovered it’s unfortunately not something I’m just going to grow out of, it’s become a little more scary. This may have been partly due to the fact I used to never really talk to anyone about it, and it can be quite a lot to carry on your own, but I’ve learnt that actually it’s super okay to ask for help sometimes and lean on others, it can make it much easier to manage. I’m incredibly lucky to have the worlds most magnificent and supportive family, and when I had my weepy breakdown on the phone to my Mum after my 10K race last summer, she completely took the reigns and helped me book the required hospital appointments and then came to them all with me – I mean I’m 24, so I really should be adult enough to do this alone, but I think it’s okay to still be scared when your health ain’t so jazzy, and it’s absolutely fine to bring your Mum with you if it makes that better. My Dad has a similar heart condition to me and is always there to make it into a competition of who’s worse, which may sound morbid, but actually it makes everything seem way less scary and far more light hearted. And my sister is just my angel, because she is the one that constantly has to take me to A&E (along with my also excellent flatmate) and sit with me for hours while they fill me with drugs through needles that make her faint. I couldn’t ask for more from them and I’m grateful everyday that they look after me so damn well
Lesson 8: Appreciate your health when it’s doing what it’s supposed to do
The most important lesson I’ve learnt from getting ill a lot is to appreciate the hell out of my shitbox body when it’s doing what it’s meant to do and working like a proper 24 year old human body is supposed to work. Never, ever take that for granted. Every race that I finish feels like such an achievement because my slightly broken body got through another one. I’ll make such an effort to take stock when my training is going well, or I’ve gone a couple of weeks fully healthy; I’ll pat my little kidneys for not breaking for a while, or take a deep breathe so I can feel my heartbeat working normally. I have a little counter to clock every month I go without having to see some sort of medical professional and I reward myself with stupid things (food) so I remember the positive bits. It is the silver lining of being a little bit broken, you appreciate your insides whole heartedly when they’re good. This may be the exaggeration talking, because like I said I haven’t got anything terminal, and compared to what a lot of people go through this is small and insignificant, but it’s something I’ve probably got on my plate for pretty much the next forever, so I’m going to take all the silver linings from it that I can get.
This may be the most cliche thing in the world, but remembering this helps a lot.
Sam's Town 